What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You? (2023)

Last Updated on February 14, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

Relationships with narcissists tend to follow a pattern that plays out again and again. They draw you in close, then when you least expect it, they abruptly withdraw. When they are done with you, they will dump you. Usually, for a reason that seems due to no fault of your own.

However, the narcissist often returns when they think they have something to gain from you again. This is known as the idealize-devalue-discard-hoover cycle for how narcissists approach relationships.

So although it may seem like your narcissist is finished with you when they dump you, it’s likely that they’re not done meddling in your life. In order to be completely rid of them, ignoring them might be your only option.

In this article, I will outline why you should ignore a narcissist who dumped you, how best to ignore them, how they might react, and how to deal with this reaction.

What happens when you ignore a narcissist who dumped you? Let’s start with why you would want to ignore a Narc?

Table of Contents:

  • Why ignoring?
  • Effects of Ignoring?
  • Does Ignoring Work?

Why Ignore a Narcissist?

What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You? (1)

If you want to finally break the narcissistic cycle that you’ve found yourself trapped in, ignoring your narcissist might be the best thing to do. This is especially true if your narcissist has been abusing you, physically or emotionally.

Why you should ignore a narcissist who dumped you?

If you’ve been through the cycle a few times now, it’s likely that you’re exhausted. Completely ignoring the narcissist may be the only way to get the space that you need to heal.

(Video) What happens when you ignore the narcissist | mini peptalk

Narcissists love to get a reaction and as soon as you give them this, you are handing your power away. This is how they get their kicks, knowing they have affected you. In order to be free of them you need to stop giving them a reaction and totally ignore them. This means giving them zero of your energy – positive or negative.

Those with NPD feed their self-beliefs with attention and admiration from those who surround them (1). We know this as narcissistic supply and it is arguably a form of addiction (2). Whilst you’re still feeding the narcissist with supply through your reactions, you will remain in the cycle of abuse. Breaking the cycle starts with emotionally unhooking.

Nothing hurts a narcissist more than being ignored as it makes them feel insignificant and meaningless, which is their greatest fear. However, you shouldn’t ignore your narcissist purely to hurt them or to elicit a response.

Ignoring them will only work if you truly want nothing more to do with them, otherwise they will play you at your own game and probably end up winning.

You’ll want to check up on them and may be tempted to look at their social media or contact them to see if your ignoring them has really hurt them. But it’s crucial that you don’t do this; as if you do they will know they still have your attention.

What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You? (2)

How to Ignore a narcissist?

There is a method known as the ‘grey rock’ method when dealing with narcissists. This encourages victims to make their life seem as dull, motionless and static as possible, in the hopes the narcissist will eventually get bored and leave the victim alone.

Another method is the ‘no contact’ method, which obviously involves cutting all communication with the narcissist. If this is not possible then you should try to ignore the things they do that trigger you and avoid reacting. Basically, the narcissist should believe they are no longer the center of your world.

What Are The Effects of ignoring a narcissist?

All narcissists have some characteristics in common – that’s how they can be defined as a narcissist. However, there is no ‘one size fits all’ as each individual narcissist is different. I will first discuss the different types of Narcissists and how they are different from each other. Then I will discuss how this influences the effects of ignoring the narcissist and what the effects of ignoring a Narcissist exactly are.

(Video) This Is What Occurs When You Ignore A Narcissist | Narcissism | NPD | Narc Survivor |

The 2 Different Types of Narcissists

How your narcissist will react to being ignored depends on what type of narcissist they are. They can go a few different ways, depending on their personal style. One might shrug off being ignored while another might feel like their world has ended.

It has been suggested that there are different levels of narcissism, with some narcissists reacting in more extreme ways to being ignored than others. Some have tried to put narcissists into categories; however, even these cannot predict exactly how your narcissist will react to being ignored, although, they may provide a useful framework.

Cooper (1981) suggested there are two subgroups of narcissists:

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  • Extroverted or ‘oblivious’ narcissists – need to be the center of attention at all times and will react extremely badly to being ignored
  • Introverted or ‘timid’ narcissists – the inhibited type whose narcissism mostly plays out in fantasy, so will not act out as much when being ignored(Also known as vulnerable narcissist)

How a narcissist will react to being ignored

If you want to try and predict how your narcissist is going to react to being ignored, try to examine how they have behaved in the past. Although, we cannot predict exactly how a narcissistic individual will react, there are some typical reactions that have been observed:

  • They mimic your behaviour and ignore you right back – at first, a narcissist won’t try to reach out and find out why you’re ignoring them because they don’t care about your feelings. They will want to ‘one-up’ you by doing more of the same or at a higher intensity. This is them trying to reassert their power. Behaviours might include purposely ignoring your texts or blocking you on social media.
  • They will lash out – narcissists thrive on using others as a source to make them feel important. If you ignore them and deny them of their source, they may become enraged. They will essentially have a tantrum and throw insults and threats at you. In pronounced cases, behaviour can resemble sociopathic traits and may even get violent. Expressions of this ‘out of control’ rage will vary but may include:
  1. Stalking you on social media
  2. Stalking you physically
  3. Sending angry, nasty text messages
  4. Trying to gain information about you from your friends and family
  5. Flaunting a new partner to get back at you
  • They will use calculated and controlled manipulation – following narcissistic ‘out of control’ rage, they may shift back to more calculated and controlled manipulation. We know this as the ‘cruelty’ stage and aims to show you that they still have complete power over you. They do this to punish you and cause harm. In the mind of the Narcissist, they are entitled to do this and you deserve it. Common strategies include:

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  • Baiting – deliberately provoking and antagonizing you
  • Gaslighting – making you question your own sense of reality and/or mental health
  • Withholding or stonewalling – removing your access to information and emotional/physical resources
  • Smear campaigns – spreading false information and gossip to discredit, undermine and isolate you.

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  • They manipulate you by showing false kindness and respect – they will try to trick you into thinking they have changed. Narcissists can’t bear to lose and they may see you ignoring them as a loss. This is too bruising to their inflated egos so they will pursue you even harder, using charm and flattery to lure you back in. They might tell you that they miss you and try to ‘love bomb’ you again and use other ‘hoovering’ techniques. But once they get what they want, this will all disappear and they’ll go back to their manipulative ways.
  • They will make you feel guilty – this is to appear the victim so that you might return to the relationship with them. They may show remorse and pull at your heartstrings with promises to turn over a new leaf. They may even threaten to hurt themselves or worse, to guilt you back in to doing whatever they want

Some narcissists may even try all of these steps in succession to try and get you back under their control.

What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You? (3)

Why Narcissists React to Being Ignored

Narcissists actually have incredibly fragile egos, although it might not seem like it as they overcompensate for this. When ignored they will react to protect themselves from seeming vulnerable.

(Video) This Happens When You Ignore The Narcissist

Positive or negative engagement is a win for a narcissist; this is why they will try different techniques to get any sort of rise out of you.

Ignoring a narcissist causes a re-enactment of a core wound in their inner child. When parents fail to satisfy developmental needs, pathological narcissism can be the result (3), as well as psychological barriers to protect themselves from pain (4). This is also known as a ‘contact-shunning personality’ (5). Losing the admiration that they are addicted to will make them feel rejected, betrayed and lonely, and their self-esteem will take a huge hit.

The narcissist’s true feelings about their self are disastrous, so they have created a fictitious character to hide their inner wounds. This character is known as their ‘ego’ or ‘false self’ and allows them to cut off from their emotions. Anything you do that challenges the reality of the false self is a threat and must be eliminated (6).

When narcissists are being ignored, the only way they know how to regain control and get back to feeling safe, is to re-establish power over you. Invalidating you validates their false selves (7).

What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You? (4)

How to deal with a narcissist’s reaction to being ignored?

You are bound to find ignoring your narcissist quite difficult at first. Particularly if you have been in and out of relationships with them for a number of years or if they have emotionally damaged you into thinking you need them to survive.

You’ll probably be tempted to engage them, but it’s important to stay strong. You need to be completely determined and ready to rid yourself of the narcissist. It’s important to surround yourself with supportive friends and family who know about your situation and who you can talk to.

Go full no contact. This means no calls, emails, texts and especially no in-person meetings. You must continue to ignore them indefinitely until they move on. If your narcissist reacts in a particularly violent or aggressive way to being ignored you may want to consider:

  • Changing your phone number
  • Removing them from social media
  • Contacting their friends and family
  • Staying away from them and places they may go to
  • Involving the police
  • Filing for a restraining order

Does Ignoring a Narcissist Work?

This depends on what you would like the outcome to be. If you’re hoping to make your narcissist have feelings for you, it’s probably not going to work, as they don’t feel emotions the same way as you do. Emotions are simply tools the narcissist uses to manipulate others. But, if you just want to finally be rid of your narcissist, ignoring them might achieve this.

They will move on to another source of Narcissistic Supply if they realize you are really done with them and can no longer be manipulated into doing what they want. If they see no gain from continuing to pursue you, they will finally leave you alone.

If they don’t have another source of supply lined up, they could go into ‘narcissistic collapse’ and enter a state of physiological withdrawal, not unlike people who are detoxing off hard drugs (8). If you take away their supply and they can’t find it anywhere else, they may break down which could cause them to realize their narcissistic ways and seek help. In this way, we can say that ignoring a narcissist works.

However, ignoring a narcissist who ignores you can actually encourage them to ‘hoover’ as they know you want their love and respect and they can easily trick you into thinking they have changed.

(Video) Ignoring the Narcissist and What That Does - Covert Narcissists Channels

But ultimately, if the narcissist realizes their game is truly up and you no longer represent usefulness, they will discard you for good. Although, they will only do this once they know you have figured them out and they no longer have anything to lose.

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References used for this article

1. Lakey, C. E., Rose, P., Campbell, W. K., & Goodie, A. S. (2008). Probing the link between narcissism and gambling: the mediating role of judgment and decision‐making biases.Journal of behavioral decision making,21(2), 113-137.

2. Diamond, D., Clarkin, J. F., Levy, K. N., Meehan, K. B., Cain, N. M., Yeomans, F. E., & Kernberg, O. F. (2014). Change in attachment and reflective function in borderline patients with and without comorbid narcissistic personality disorder in transference focused psychotherapy.Contemporary psychoanalysis,50(1-2), 175-210.

3. Watson, P. J., & Morris, R. J. (1991). Narcissism, empathy and social desirability.Personality and Individual Differences,12(6), 575-579.

4. Kohut, H., & Wolf, E. S. (1978). The disorders of the self and their treatment: An outline.International Journal of Psycho-Analysis,59, 413-425.

5. Banai, E., Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2005). ” Selfobject” Needs in Kohut’s Self Psychology: Links With Attachment, Self-Cohesion, Affect Regulation, and Adjustment.Psychoanalytic Psychology,22(2), 224.

6. Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses.Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology,35(6), 471-493.

7. Wetzel, E., Brown, A., Hill, P. L., Chung, J. M., Robins, R. W., & Roberts, B. W. (2017). The narcissism epidemic is dead; long live the narcissism epidemic.Psychological science,28(12), 1833-1847.

8. Vaknin, S. (2019). Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Source of Supply.

(Video) Narcissistic perspective when you do not block them but do not respond either.#narc #narcissist


What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You? ›

They will lash out – narcissists thrive on using others as a source to make them feel important. If you ignore them and deny them of their source, they may become enraged. They will essentially have a tantrum and throw insults and threats at you.

Do narcissists care if you ignore them? ›

Simply put, narcissists hate being ignored. They probably want to make you feel ashamed, regretful, and rattled. They want to be in control and will go to any length to keep feeling empowered. It's critical to understand that a narcissist will not leave you alone the first time you ignore them.

Will a narcissist come back after dumping you? ›

Do Narcissists Come Back to Relationships? Yes, they often do come back to relationships. A narcissist will repeat their cycle of abuse as long as they need you as a supply. Even their distressing discard performance will leave you in a firm belief they're done with you; a narcissist will come back.

What a narcissist thinks when you ignore them? ›

If you ignore a narcissist and deny them their source, they may become enraged and try even harder for your attention – especially in ways that can be toxic or abusive. Ignoring a narcissist will enrage them because of their fragile egos. They'll feel humiliated and lash out against you to protect themselves.

What happens after a narcissist dumps you? ›

When a narcissist discards you, it can take a toll on your mental health. You may feel upset, used, sad, or rejected. Because narcissists are manipulative and take advantage of others for personal gain, being discarded can also result in financial or professional losses.

What is the power of ignoring a narcissist? ›

Ignoring a narcissist may result in them trying to get your attention through various means, including apologizing and begging for forgiveness or smearing you to others. If you want a narcissist to go away, you must ignore them consistently and permanently, or they will likely try to hoover you back into their life.

How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care? ›

Worse, their neediness fuels anger, criticism, rage, and passive aggressions. In their neediness they draw you into griping sessions, circular arguments, and complaints. Likewise, it prompts them to use sales tactics (like persuasion and pleading) in their discussions with you.

Does a narcissist ever regret the discard? ›

It is common for people with a narcissistic personality disorder to regret discarding or losing someone, but it does not mean what you might think. If they feel regret, it is not because they hurt you. It is for losing something that they value.

Do narcissists care if you move on? ›

Narcissists are clingy and they might feel jealous, sad, and hurt that you're with someone else. Nothing hurts them more than knowing that you don't care anymore and they have no more control over you. Seeing that you're happy with someone else is like salt to their wounds.

Does a narcissist ever let go of a victim? ›

Breakups with narcissists don't always end the relationship. Many won't let you go, even when they are the ones who left the relationship, and even when they're with a new partner. They won't accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or stay friends after a breakup or divorce.

Does ignoring a narcissist hurt them? ›

Lots of therapists, books, and websites will tell you that this is the best way to deal with a narcissist. This harmful advice suggests that by ignoring the narcissist, you can hit them where it hurts: their ego. Stop giving them their fix and they'll go somewhere else to get it.

What do narcissists do once they know they lost you forever? ›

So, when the narcissist knows you have figured him out, they might react in these three obvious ways that are listed below.
  • They try to create a trauma bond.
  • They exude manipulative behaviors.
  • They use projection.
  • Stop giving them attention.
  • Set boundaries.
  • Seek professional help.
  • They try to re-establish power and control.
Mar 12, 2021

What eventually happens to narcissists? ›

According to Julie L. Hall, author of “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free,” narcissists become more extreme versions of their worst selves as they age, which includes becoming more desperate, deluded, paranoid, angry, abusive, and isolated.

How does a narcissist feel about being dumped? ›

Now that the narcissist sees the relationship as broken, damaged, and ending—it's all your fault. They say you're too fat or too needy or too happy. You have wrecked things, destroyed the trust, ruined the best thing you ever had, crushed their love. You're unappreciative of all they have done for you.

Which words would hurt a narcissist and make him leave you alone? ›

The following are 16 key phrases to disarm a narcissist:
  • 1. “ ...
  • “I Can't Control How You Feel About Me” ...
  • “I Hear What You're Saying” ...
  • “I'm Sorry You Feel That Way” ...
  • “Everything Is Okay” ...
  • “We Both Have a Right to Our Own Opinions” ...
  • “I Can Accept How You Feel” ...
  • “I Don't Like How You're Speaking to Me so I Will not Engage”
Dec 28, 2021

How do you use silent treatment against a narcissist? ›

Give the narcissist a taste of their own medicine by ignoring them. If they give you the silent treatment then don't respond back. Don't answer their calls or texts, don't check on them or care for them when they are sick, stop being nice to them if you've been doing that, etc.

Does giving a narcissist the silent treatment work? ›

The silent treatment is one of the most ineffective techniques that you could use on the narcissist in your life. The most effective techniques that you could use (e.g. The No Contact Rule and the Gray or Yellow Rock Method) require you to make conscious and well-informed decisions, the silent treatment does not.

How does a narcissist feel when you reject him? ›

Gaslighters/narcissists are extremely sensitive to rejection. Any perceived slight can throw them into a tailspin. Many times, gaslighters/narcissists will be out for revenge. One of the most common ways gaslighters/narcissists attack those who reject them is by subjecting them to public humiliation.

What triggers the narcissist to want you back? ›

To make the narcissist want you back, remind them of what they're missing by showing them you've got plenty of new supply to give. The narcissist thrives on external validation. Because of their deep-rooted insecurities, they cannot love themselves, and they seek affirmation from outside sources.

How do you know if it's the final discard narcissist? ›

The narcissist's final discard is hurtful and often downright brutal. This person will leave you possibly at the worst moment possible, and, typically, they'll blame it all on you. However, the narcissist may also blame fate or life events, claiming that the two of you would last forever if things were different.

Do narcissists stalk their exes? ›

But as clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula points out, narcissists often have a habit of staying in contact with their exes in a way that is solely about their own needs. "The central motivator for narcissists is validation," she explains. "And an ex is often a really interesting place to get it...

Do narcissists get heartbroken? ›

While people with narcissism aren't devoid of emotions, their motivations may be self-focused. They can know they're hurting your feelings, but as long as it elevates their status, they may not care. Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness.

Why won't a narcissist let you move on? ›

Narcissists hate losing their supply of attention, so they won't let you go easily. Prepare for them to promise "to change." They might suddenly start doing things for you that you'd been complaining about. They may say "you'll be lost without me," or "you'll never find someone like me."

How do you know a narcissist is done with you? ›

There are early sometimes subtle signs the narcissist may be finished with you and more obvious absolute signals. The narcissist often ignores what you say almost as if you never spoke. The narcissist stops texting back to you or delays for days. The narcissist does not make eye contact with you.

What are the stages of a narcissistic breakup? ›

The relationship cycle typical of extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows a pattern. Individuals in emotionally abusive relationships experience a dizzying whirlwind that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding.

Does my narcissistic ex think about me? ›

It's true: Your narcissistic ex will remember you but not — never — in the way you hope they will, as the “great love of their life”. Most of the time they won't even think about you and you know why: They're too busy spinning their web to snare the next unsuspecting spider.

What is the pain of going no contact with a narcissist? ›

No contact with narcissists often puts them in a spiral of toxic behavior. They will resort to love bombing, begging, self-victimization and other toxic methods to gain back your attention. In other cases, they may just disregard you and find someone else. So, yes, no contact definitely works on narcissists.

How do you not let a narcissist hurt you? ›

  1. Educate yourself about NPD. ...
  2. Build your self-esteem. ...
  3. Speak up for yourself. ...
  4. Set clear boundaries. ...
  5. Practice skills to keep calm. ...
  6. Find a support system. ...
  7. Insist on immediate action, not promises. ...
  8. Understand that a narcissistic person may need professional help.

Do narcissists miss you after no contact? ›

So yes, narcissists can miss you in the sense that they feel bad when an emotional need isn't being met when you're not around and thus they want you back in their life. They need someone to boost their ego and make them feel good about themselves.

How narcissists treat their exes? ›

By remaining friends with their exes, narcissists get to keep all of their former partners on a carousel of convenience: they can create a harem of people to use for sex, money, praise, attention or whatever else they desire, at any time.

How do you know the narcissist has moved on? ›

30 Signs that a narcissist is finished with you
  1. The narcissist no longer hides their true colors. ...
  2. You feel the change. ...
  3. The narcissist will no longer give you love bombs. ...
  4. They are constantly irritated with you. ...
  5. The narcissist ignores everything you say. ...
  6. They criticize you. ...
  7. They are always distant. ...
  8. A narcissist will gaslight you.
Mar 28, 2022

What is the mental age of a narcissist? ›

According to Thomaes & Brummelman, the development of narcissism begins at around the ages of 7 or 8. This is the time when children begin to evaluate themselves according to how they perceive others.

Do narcissists eventually self destruct? ›

The narcissist often engages in self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours.

What type of people do narcissists go after? ›

They like people who are strong

A common misconception is that narcissists go for the weak, because they are easier to manipulate. In fact, narcissists prefer to target someone who is strong-willed, and who has talents or characteristics they admire, because they believe it makes them shine too.

Do narcissists get jealous when you move on? ›

For a person who is narcissistic, their self-esteem is often tied to your relationship with them. When they see that you have moved on and are now dating someone else, they will feel jealous and threatened.

Does a narcissist hate being dumped? ›

This is to manipulate you and make you change your mind because the narcissist hates being dumped. When you end the relationship with the narcissist, except that he or she is unpredictable, you will experience narcissistic abuse which gets ugly.

Why narcissist move on so quickly? ›

The cerebral cortex has also been found to be less developed in narcissists and this area is responsible for memory, emotions and behaviour. Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don't form memories in the same way the rest of us do.

What is the silent treatment for narcissists? ›

Narcissists may use the silent treatment to communicate they are unhappy with you, to control you, or as a form of punishment. If the narcissist uses the silent treatment to deflect responsibility for something they have done wrong, it can also be a form of narcissistic gaslighting.

Is it better to block a narcissist or just ignore? ›

If they're really incapable of controlling themselves, they may even threaten you. This is why it's generally not a good idea to let a narcissist know you're going to block them ahead of time. Avoid the confrontation by just blocking their number and social media accounts and move on.

How do you get a narcissist to respect you? ›

How to Make a Narcissist Respect You
  1. 1 Recognize that narcissists aren't capable of respect.
  2. 2 Show them that you're high value.
  3. 3 Be confident and self-assured.
  4. 4 Respect yourself.
  5. 5 Treat them with respect.
  6. 6 Keep emotional distance.
  7. 7 Maintain your independence.
  8. 8 Set boundaries with the narcissist.

Does a narcissist care if you give them the silent treatment? ›

If narcissists don't get their way, they love to give people the silent treatment. This is very effective that makes the loved one distressed. They'll react negatively to not receiving the attention or love they are addicted to getting from the narcissist.

How long will a narcissist punish you with silent treatment? ›

A narcissist's silent treatment can last for hours, days, weeks, or even months. Our survey among 500 people who have experienced narcissistic abuse revealed that on average, a narcissist's silent treatment lasts four-and-a-half days and usually ends when the narcissist needs more narcissistic supply.

How do narcissists feel when you move on? ›

They're utterly delusional in believing that you couldn't possibly want to be with anyone else because there is no one better than them. Because you've moved on to someone new, your new partner serves as a constant reminder that they were not good enough for you, so they'll launch an attack against them.

What are the 5 main habits of a narcissist? ›

Let's take a look at five of the most common characteristics of a narcissist in order to create awareness.
  • Inflated Ego. Those who suffer from narcissism usually seem themselves as superior to others. ...
  • Lack of Empathy. ...
  • Need for Attention. ...
  • Repressed Insecurities. ...
  • Few Boundaries.

What are the most hurtful things you can say to a narcissist? ›

8 Things You Should Never Say to a Narcissist
  • Don't say, "It's not about you." ...
  • Don't say, "You're not listening." ...
  • Don't say, "Ina Garten did not get her lasagna recipe from you." ...
  • Don't say, "Do you think it might be your fault?" ...
  • Don't say, "You're being a bully." ...
  • Don't say, "Stop playing the victim."
Dec 15, 2017

Do narcissists regret leaving you? ›

It is common for people with a narcissistic personality disorder to regret discarding or losing someone, but it does not mean what you might think. If they feel regret, it is not because they hurt you. It is for losing something that they value.


(Sara Ann Brown)
2. Why The Narcissist Discard IS Permanent!
(Mindset Therapy PLLC)
4. How to Make a Narcissist Miss You After Discard in 4 Simple Steps
(Angie Atkinson)
5. When you "abandon" the narcissist
6. A #Narcissist Explains: How a Narcissist feels when you go No contact. Why No contact works for you
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